Today’s acronyms:
BFN: Big Fat Negative (pregnancy test result)
BFP: Big Fat Positive (pregnancy test result)
TTC: Trying To Conceive
AC: Assisted Conception
So, I’ve read somewhere that a curious thing happens to a lot of women who are undergoing fertility treatment in their bid to become a mother… they (somewhat ironically) begin to hate children. Namely, other people’s children. Apparently this is totally natural and not motivated by anything evil or psychopathic. Still sounds a little crazy though, right? I mean – if you hate them so bad, why on earth are you trying to make one?
But it’s not really the children (or the mothers) that come to be perceived negatively. It’s simply what they represent. A child is a symbol (usually) of a woman who got pregnant and had a baby. A simple-ish process that millions of women undergo each year. Some might say the one thing a woman is born to do. That one thing women in my situation cannot do.
And you know what? I think I’m getting there. I only started feeling this way since the BFN from our last cycle and it’s not like I see a child and want to hurt it. Its more along the lines of, if I see a child, or a parent with a child – particularly babies – it hurts me. If I talk to or read comments from parents of existing children who might happen to complain about their child in the totally understandable, totally normal parent way, it stirs anger in me. It really gives me an ache, an emptiness – and that then breeds resentment. I’ve named it “Benvy”. As in, Baby-Envy. It’s not fair, I’m not proud of it but I’m also not going to suppress or deny it. I believe that so long as I am definitely able to recognise that the negative emotions I’m feeling are not directed at the innocent child or parent currently caught in my crossfire, it’s OK for me to feel them.
It doesn’t help that we’ve started a new cycle and the Puregon injections are having the same impact as last time: headaches and rollercoaster emotions. Really makes it tough to stay on an even keel!
This book I read went on to advise husbands/partners to assist in minimising the appearance of this ironic monster by employing some clever techniques: avoiding child-filled spaces. Reducing contact with newly birthed friends. Skirt around the baby section at your local Target. And if stuck in an unavoidable child filled encounter: distract, distract, distract. Which are all really good ideas and totally achievable… apart from the mad week when the worlds’ favourite royals bring their brand new baby boy into the world.
It’s everywhere. EVERYWHERE. On the TV, on the radio, on the internet. Facebook, twitter, ninemsn, BBC, sky news, CNN. Its magical; the goodwill towards Will and Kate and their new prince is beautiful. I’m so happy for them and glad all went well and, being a bit of a monarchist, thrilled at the birth of a new king-to-be. And when I do see another article or video or photo I smile … and then I feel bad. Angry. Sad. And I turn off the TV/Radio/PC. I go from watching Will and Kate emerge from hospital with their baby and being filled with simple joy one moment to getting teary and feeling this weird negative emotion the next. It’s not exactly anger or dislike, it’s more motivated by self-preservation – it’s (I think) my hearts way of protecting itself from further pain. Torturing myself with ‘why them?’, and ‘why not me?’, ‘what did / didn’t I do?’…
And it works, for a while. It makes me ignore, avoid, leave. Distract. Re-focus. Pretend indifference whilst angling myself towards the nearest exit and making a quick getaway. But it’s temporary… after all, obviously I don’t hate babies or I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing! I can’t help it – I want to be in their shoes and I want feel that joy that I can see on their faces. So inevitably, I turn the TV back on, wander back into the baby aisles, google “William and Kate” one more time. And so the cycle repeats.
*Sigh*
Unfortunately, this book didn’t really give any ideas as to how we might eliminate these feelings all together, apart from the obvious solution: have a baby. So I just try to deal with them, process them, be kind to myself whilst ensuring I don’t take out my hormones/emotions on my husband, my friends or random strangers (especially babies). I am working on limiting my exposure to things like TTC and AC forums and the plethora of news reports on the royal baby. I am definitely not looking at baby items or planning anything baby-wise – that can all wait for our future BFP day. I am also trying to avoid the shows I’ve become somewhat addicted to – “One Born Every Minute”, “Our Baby Story” and so on.
And every now and then I give into my emotions, I get mad and I let myself cry a bit. I think it helps; brings my stress levels down, stabilises my mood. And then I give myself a shake and get on with it.
After all, another day done is another step closer to our baby goal, right?
x Luck
My Journey from Maybe to Baby 